So, exactly 9 months after finalizing our home study we finally were matched with a birth mother. I find it very fitting that the length of time most women experience pregnancy is how long it took us to find our match. I may not have experienced heart burn, exhaustion, and a moving baby but I know how it feels to long and hope for your little one to arrive.
A match only means that the adopting parents and the birth mother agree together that this baby will go to the adoptive home. Our birth mother seems like a dream come true after all the worry and concern over previous potential matches. Responsible enough to arrive at her OB appointments without doing drugs or drinking, caring enough to bring this little life to term, and seemingly determined to follow through with the intended adoption. The birth father also is in agreement to let us adopt this little one.
So, the child is a girl. And we have so many dreams for her already. Will she be beautiful? Smart? Gregarious? We have decided on a name. We talk about her like she’s already ours. My sisters talk about how she’ll fit in with her cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. We’ve been told not to buy anything and not to get too excited. It’s much harder said then done!
JOY
I feel like I received an early Christmas present today. My HCG levels rose to 500 so I’m no longer at risk for ectopic pregnancy. There is always the risk of miscarriage so I’m not getting excited until I at least hear the baby’s heart beat on 12/22. The chance of miscarriage drops significantly after the first trimester which will put me at the end of January. I’m going to take one day at a time until then.
But JOY today that this is not an ectopic pregnancy.
Is this fair?
We have finished our adoption paperwork and the home study is complete. The day after Thanksgiving Stephen and I got our first call from the adoption agency. There was a baby girl due in January and her parents wanted to give her up for adoption. My parents were visiting for Thanksgiving and everyone was excited. My mother even spilled a glass of red wine in her excitement. Then we were told more of the story, namely that there was a 13 year old sibling that wanted face to face annual meetings with the baby. We couldn’t agree to that so we had to turn it down.
Then out of the blue I realized it had been 5 weeks since my last period. I took a pregnancy test and sure enough a faint blue line appeared. Since the line was faint I took 5 tests. All faintly positive. We called our closest friends and family to tell them the good news. In the back of our minds we were worried about miscarriage so I kept the news within just our inner cycle.
Since the first test I had been spotting. I was worried about this and the fact that the line showed up so faintly. I made an appointment to see my OB and it was with Dr Haddock who I work with and trust. When I showed up at the appointment Dr Haddock agreed to do a sonogram to confirm the pregnancy. No sac showed up on the ultrasound! Shaking in nervousness I braced myself for the news. It was most likely an Ectopic pregnancy. This is extremely rare occurring in just 1% of pregnant women. I was shocked.
The worst part is calling my friends and family to tell them the news. I am disappointed. Saddened. But also relieved we are on our way toward adoption. I just want a baby. A little girl or boy I can raise to become an awesome adult. A little guy or girl I can love. It just seems so easy for some people. Is it fair it’s so hard for me?
Adoption
We finished our adoption paper work on Friday. We had to get finger printed, submit marriage certificates, track down birth certificates, and accumulate piles of additional documentation. We had to rate our preferences for race and explain how much prenatal care and prenatal exposures we are willing to accept. We didn’t want to wait for longer then a year but we have our limitations for what we are willing to accept. I feel like if I wouldn’t do something during my pregnancy I don’t want my birth mother to do it.
Now we just need to wait for our references from friends and family to be submitted. The next step is the homestudy when we meet with our adoption social worker. We completed our accumulation of documents quickly so we hope the agency works just as quickly.
Loss
The loss of an unborn child is worse then the void of infertility. We were 5 weeks along and just beginning to place hopes and dreams on our child. The grief we’ve suffered this past week has been unbearable. We have decided not to move forward with IVF after this miscarriage. We are going to move forward with adoption.
It was a hard decision and involved some arguing between Stephen and I. In the end an agreement was made. A child that becomes part of our family will be loved unconditionally by us and his/her extended family. We will raise him/her to be a strong, smart, loving adult.
We’re excited about our decision but our journey so far has also made us cautious, nervous.
Moving on? Staying put?
Well, we just completed our first round of IVF. We find out in two weeks if I’m pregnant. While we wait we’ve had much discussion about what to do if it doesn’t work. One idea that keeps coming up as an option is moving abroad to England. Stephen can go to London for 3 years with his work and I’m excited about the adventure that would ensue. We can’t afford to adopt or do IVF again for at least a year so moving abroad would provide an adventure that would distract us from the stress of infertility. Also, we’ve talked about moving to London for over two years now. Of course there are specifics to iron out like what to do with our pets and what I would do for a job. But if we aim to leave next summer we’d have a year to figure it out. I’m getting excited about the idea.
Waiting to hear about the pregnancy test is not as stressful as I thought. Life will move on. It might be good to think about something other then baby making for a year. If I am pregnant then thats awesome too.
We made our decision
We decided to move forward with IVF next month if this cycle of IUI doesn’t work. A big step toward making our future family. Now we just pray it’ll work the first time around.
Adoption
We had a difficult meeting today with our fertility specialist. He recommended that we start IVF as soon as we can afford it. There is not a specific reason why we’re not getting pregnant. We fall in the category of unknown cause of infertility. Stephen’s sperm count is so high that it compensates for the morphology. There doesn’t appear to be an issue with me. Our doctor said we could one day get pregnant on our own so we’ll keep trying naturally.
We met with a financial consultant about affording treatment and were told that we could apply for a low interest loan. We were also told it would be 2 k more expensive then we thought due to medications not being covered. We left the office with the decision to pursue adoption instead.
I called an adoption agency when I got home and asked about the policy of adopting with certain medical conditions. It turns out that because of a condition I have most countries would not adopt to us. This limits us to countries with loose restrictions such as Ethiopia or to domestic adoption. It is illegal to discriminate against adoptive parents in our country unless the illness would make them unfit parents. It would still be cheaper to do a round of two or IVF then it would to adopt. But adoption is more likely to happen. IVF has a 50-60% chance of working. Better than IUI but still not a guarantee.
It feels like our options keep dwindling. At times I just want to cry out of frustration. It’s all I can do to pray and hold onto hope.
Acupuncture
I experienced acupuncture for the first time today. The practitioner introduced herself and led me into a back room. The lighting was dim with relaxing Asian instrumental music playing in the background. After a brief medical history she explained briefly how acupuncture works. There are meridians throughout the body that are thought to lie near nerves. The acupuncture needles stimulate blood flow and your immune system, which leads to pain management, healing, and stress reduction. The acupuncture improves blood flow to the uterus which is why it’s thought to help with fertility. After her explanations she got started with the needles.
The needles were surprisingly small.. a 36 gauge needle for those familiar with clinical work.. and fairly painless. She placed a few on my hands and wrists and a few on my feet and ankles. One went into my forehead which felt the strangest like a tiny sting which dissipated quickly. I was then left for 20 minutes during which time I had plenty of time to worry about it working.
I left paying more then expected because I bought a bunch of herbs for Stephen to improve sperm production. It was worth the money as long as I get pregnant.
Reviewing all the options
When a door slams shut about ten windows open. There are many options for the barren couple and sorting through all of them is quite a feat. The first step once a couple tries to conceive for one year is to make an appointment with your obstetrician for preliminary testing.The testing in our case showed that I passed but Stephen had a poor morphology, or shape, to his sperm. That bought us a ticket to see a specialist.
Step two is to find a reputable fertility clinic and a fertility specialist you feel comfortable working with. Our clinic does the most amount of procedures in the state of Maryland. We feel comfortable with our physician who has the perfect blend of bedside manner and expertise. Step three is starting IUI (see previous blog) for three months after which we will meet with our doctor and discuss the next step. The next step is IVF which is much more expensive than IUI. IVF has a 60% chance of working while IUI is 20-30%.
It’s hard to stay focused on one step at a time. We are still doing IUI but are already planning ahead to IVF. How will we afford it? Should we use our savings for a house to pay for it? What do we value more a home or a child? If we have to do IVF how many children will we have? Then there is the ethical dilemma. What do we do with extra embryos? Do we donate them to research or destroy them? Absolutely not! Thus, our only option is to donate them to a couple who can not conceive. We feel unsure about that option as well since they will feel like our children. We have decided to keep doing IVF until there are no embryo’s left. This may be a considerable expense but we’ve always wanted a large family.
Sometimes we wonder what our lives would be like without children. We could buy an expensive apartment in some neat urban neighborhood without worry about school districts. We could buy sporty cars and work long overtimes for fancy vacations. A very small part of me finds this appealing. Mostly the thought makes me depressed and leaves me feeling deeply selfish.
Another option is adoption. My younger sister recently completed the lengthy adoption process and brought home a beautiful baby boy from Ethiopia a few weeks ago. We’re tempted by this option but again the expense makes us worried. There are also many stipulations for adoption including a home study and age/marriage requirements. Stephen and I also can’t seem to agree on a country to adopt from. I am very opposed to domestic adoption because of the risk of the birth mother changing her mind. Stephen would prefer domestic. Ultimately we don’t care if the child is biologically ours or not but expense is a concern. Our insurance covers a good portion of IVF but won’t cover adoption. My mother recently sent me a list of aid sources for adoption that we will need to explore if we end up pursuing adoption.
Yet another option is embryo adoption. That would be less expensive than traditional adoption but more expensive than IVF. We would adopt left over embryo’s from another couples fertility treatments. We could adopt a couple embryo’s, implant 2 or 3 at a time, and hope for the best. Typically you adopt embryo’s that are considered very high quality but there is still a chance it won’t work. What’s better about this option is that I would still experience pregnancy and would insure the very best environment for my child starting from utero.
There are so many things to consider. It’s a hard choice to make. We’re praying about it and taking one step at a time. Communication is key at this point in our lives.
